8 Ways to Help Someone With a Mental Illness

You wouldn’t tell someone with cancer to get over it.

You wouldn’t tell your friend that their broken leg doesn’t need a cast.

Why not? The answer is so obvious the question doesn’t even need to be asked: physical ailments are serious and need to be treated before they will heal. They won’t go away by themselves, and ignoring them will just make them worse.

So why is the subject of mental sicknesses so seldom discussed? Why is treatment for it something that people are not commonly educated about? Everyone knows how to treat a minor illness or injury of the body, and when it’s too serious to handle by yourself, it’s second nature to call for help and seek out a doctor. So why is the sick mind treated as if it will simply heal itself?

Mental illness can be a hard thing to understand. But the reality of it can be even more difficult to deal with; it can make day-to-day life challenging both for people who struggle with mental illness, and for those around them. Panic attacks are terrifying, constantly-changing needs are confusing, and anxiety is exhausting.

It’s easy to feel helpless when someone you care about is in the middle of a panic attack or unable to cope with seemingly simple things. What do you do in the face of something so strange and intangible? How do you help someone deal with something you’ve never experienced? Talking to a friend can never replace seeking professional help, but it can help with rough nights and days when reality just seems like too much to handle. But how do you help someone during times like that?

1) Educate yourself. 

Learn as much as you can about mental illness, specifically what the person you’re trying to help is struggling with. A good starting point is looking online, and asking them to explain to you what they deal with. Know the basics; learn the difference between anxiety attacks and panic attacks. Know the signs of whichever disorder(s) they’re dealing with. Learn their warning signs and triggers, and how to respond to them. If it’s something serious or potentially threatening, get help.

2) Don’t try to solve it. 

Don’t tell them that it could be worse, or remind them they have a lot to be thankful for. They know that, but it doesn’t make anxiety lessen its grip or a panic attack stop short. Don’t try to force solutions on them or explain what they’re feeling away. Mental illness isn’t cured with logic, it can’t be explained or rationalized. Support and care are what someone needs when they’re struggling with mental illness, not facts.

3) Don’t get frustrated. 

This isn’t to say mental illness is never frustrating, because it is. It makes life more difficult than it should be, but getting upset at someone for their mental illness won’t make it go away, it’ll only make it worse. Create an atmosphere of security and comfort with your actions and attitude. What your loved one is dealing with won’t always look good, or be something you can understand. Just meet them where they are.

4) Be reassuring. 

Mental illness is a difficult thing to live with, both for people who have it and for their family and friends. Chances are there are times when they feel like a burden, and need to be reassured that they’re not. Even if it seems blindingly obvious, remind them as often as they need it that you care about them and you don’t mind helping them when they’re struggling. The reminder will bring them peace of mind and make them feel more free to accept any help you offer.

5) Ask what they need. 

Needs can change drastically with different people and even with different illnesses. Sometimes physical touch is too much to handle, other times a hug or a hand to hold can tie someone down to reality. They might need to talk, or they might need silence. Sometimes they might want to be alone entirely. They most likely know what they need; they’ve probably dealt with this many times before. Find out how to help them, and then do it. And keep asking–their needs may change throughout the day. A good morning doesn’t mean a good night, and vice versa.

6) Be aware of how hard they’re working. 

Realize that their mental illness probably affects them more than they let on. Most of the time, they’re trying to not let other people see how hard they have to fight this thing in their head. If they get tired often and easily, that’s why. Don’t push them beyond their limits. When they say they can’t handle any more, listen.

7) Let them be real. 

Don’t act like you think they’re being overly-dramatic or looking for attention. Treat their problems as legitimate, and let them know they can trust you for help when they need it. Take them as they are, and accept the parts of their mental illness that they hate. Be a safe place for them. People who struggle with a mental disorder are aware that it’s challenging, and sometimes we feel like it’s more than is fair to ask someone to go through it with us. The biggest blessing is someone who doesn’t mind us being a mess.

8) Set boundaries. 

There’s a difference between helping a friend and draining yourself more than is healthy. Figure out where the line is; know how much you can handle. Then gently and lovingly let them know where that limit is. It won’t help either of you if you push yourself too far and end up losing your patience with them. If they need more support than you can provide, help them find a counseling service where they can speak to a professional.

Mental illness is not something that will go away if it’s ignored. It’s a difficult thing to live with, but not impossible. It’s a challenge, but not cause for despair. With the right support and treatment, there is hope. Having someone to call on a lonely day can make the difference between quick recovery and hours of torment. Be there, be calm, and be patient, and you can be the positive change someone may desperately need.

~Becca

Thanks to everyone who shared their experiences and contributed to this post. Keep fighting. 

8 Things God Is (And Isn’t)

In the noisy world where we live, it’s remarkably easy to lose sight of what God is saying. We get so bogged down with the distractions our lives have to offer that we can’t hear His voice over all the noise. We may listen to what pastors and Bible studies have to say about our Creator, but we cease to let Him speak for Himself. We end up with an unfocused, distorted picture of God. It’s impossible to know someone when you only listen to what everyone else says about them. Eventually, you have to sit down and listen to what they have to say.

For the last several weeks, I’ve been going through an identity crisis of sorts. Rebuilding from the ground up, tearing up bad roots, unpacking the basics of who I am and who I want to become. The process is scary and confusing, and completely worth my while. God is leading me on an incredible journey of self-discovery, and I’ll come out of it knowing more about who I am and what His plan is for me. But I’ve come to the realization that, if I want to base who I am in God, I will never be able to figure out who I am until I know who He is. I’m done with the shaky image of Him, built from flawed human logic and assumptions. That’s not who God is. He’s bigger than that, and maybe it’s time I let Him speak for Himself.

So I went to the place I should have looked to for answers in the first place–God’s Word. The handwritten letter from Him to His people. The answer to any question I could have about His character, straight from His mouth. And here’s what I found:

God is the source of perfect love (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

“Love is patient, love is kind.” We’ve all heard the words describing the kind of love we are called to exhibit as followers of Christ. But what makes the passage powerful is that this is the kind of love God has for us. God’s love bears all things, endures forever; He is the ultimate source of untainted, unselfish love. And all that love is directed at us.

God is sustenance (Philippians 4:12)

I was griping to a friend via Facebook Messenger recently, and he sent me this verse. The words hit me hard. “In any and all circumstances I have learned to be content…” Whatever God gives me, it’s enough because I have Him guiding me through it. He is the secret to contentment, wherever life puts me. I serve the God of plenty; whatever I lack, He is enough to make up for it.

God is a steadfast refuge (Psalm 46:10)

As someone who struggles daily with anxiety, this passage is especially comforting. My God is closer than my fear; He is bigger than my panic attacks. He is “a very present help in times of trouble,” I have no need to fear even “though the earth gives way.” The entire world could come crashing down around me, and still my Father would be cause for peace.

God is merciful (John 3:16-17)

This is one of the many characteristics to be exemplified in the behavior of God’s Son during His life on earth. From eating dinner with Pharisees to comforting an adulteress at a public well, Jesus loved the most-despised sinners of His time like they had never been loved before. He wasn’t there “to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” Love and mercy abounded in His life, as they do in His Father’s relationship with us.

God is a righteous judge (Psalm 7:8)

This is one of God’s characteristics that I find most difficult to understand, especially seen side-by-side with His love and mercy. God is the ultimate source of goodness. As such, He is the only one with the right to pass judgement on humanity. He sets the bar. God “will judge the world with righteousness.” He is just and right, the only infallible judge, and He will not ignore sin.

God is vengeful (Hebrews 10:26-31)

This is, in my opinion, one of the most terrifying passages in all of Scripture. God has given us the ultimate gift; the price is paid in Christ’s blood to wash away all our wrongdoings. For those who accept that gift, there is no fear, no condemnation. But when that gift of mercy is ignored, fear and condemnation are the only things left. God is righteous in His anger and sure in His vengefulness. “It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.”

God is all-powerful, and empowering (Deuteronomy 9:3)

We serve a big God. No matter how scary the giants we face may seem, to Him, they are ants. And He empowers His children to serve the purposes He has for them. “Know therefore today that he who goes over before you as a consuming fire is the LORD your God.” We serve a consuming fire. He goes ahead of us. Our enemies are driven out before us; nothing can stand against us when we have His guiding voice.

God is passionately loving (Zephaniah 3:17)

This has been one of my favorite passages since I was in middle school. God’s love seems to radiate from the words. “The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save.” Our Father is whatever presence we need Him to be. His voice rings over the rooftops to declare His love for us; it’s the tender whisper of a parent singing a child to sleep at night. He is delighted with us, and He knows what we need to hear from Him.

Obviously, God cannot be summed up in a single blog post. His character is far too big and multifaceted to be captured in 1500 words or less. But His Word gives us a good starting point to begin to glimpse not only who He is, but also who He isn’t.

There are a lot of misconceptions about the character and attributes of God that could be cleared up so easily if we simply looked to the Scriptures. God is sustenance, and He never leaves His children alone. God is loving, not hateful. God is steadfast; He isn’t scared or shocked by our problems. He is merciful, but He doesn’t let sin go unpaid for. He is righteous, not unfair. He is vengeful, but He isn’t spiteful. He is powerful, not overpowered by things that look huge to us. And most of all, He doesn’t hold back when it comes to loving His children.

This is the God I serve. This is the One who is shaping my future and identity. If who I am is based in who He is, how could I ever be swayed?

But what is that unshakeable identity? Who am I called to be? The answer is simple:

I’m called to be like Him.

~Becca

 

9 Questions College Kids are Tired of Answering

It’s that time of year again. The turkey is in the oven, gravy bubbling on the stove, and college students everywhere are returning home with bags full of laundry and stories about life at university. My Thanksgiving is going to be a little different this year, as my family is driving up from their San Antonio home so we can all celebrate the holiday together with friends. I’m grateful, as it saves me gas money, and I still have all the same things to look forward to–family, home-cooked meals, and a bed to sleep in every night that isn’t in a dorm.

I love going home for Thanksgiving. I really do. But there are certain trials to the ordeal–like the inevitable list of questions everyone seems suddenly curious about. Details about my life, school, and personal choices that I may or may not want to share. Fellow college students, I’m sure you can sympathize with me here. We all encounter them sooner or later. So here, in no particular order, are some of the most common questions my friends and I get when we’re seeing family and friends over the holidays, and the answers so hopefully we can skip the interview this year:

1) “Oh my, you’ve grown!”

Yes, that does tend to happen over a period of however long it’s been since we last saw you.

2) “Have you met a boyfriend/girlfriend yet? You have to settle down sometime, you know!”

And people telling us that isn’t going to make it happen any sooner. Besides, there are so many worse things we could be than unattached. Many of us are enjoying college just fine without a significant other.

3) “When’s graduation?”

We don’t know.

4) “What are you going to do after school’s over?”

WE DON’T KNOW.

5) “Jobs in your career field really don’t pay well, you know. You could make a lot more money doing [insert thing we have no interest in here].”

Maybe we don’t want money. Maybe we want to be able to wake up every morning, and go to a job doing something we love.

6) “Oh, you’re an art major? I wish I had more time for [insert artistic pursuit here].”

Our career choices are just that–careers. They’re not a leisure activity that we just happen to have time for.

7) “So when are you getting married?”

When we have our lives put together. Which, right now, feels like never.

8) “How are you doing in [insert insanely difficult class here]? You’re getting all A’s, right?”

Our grades are our business, thank you. We don’t go asking about how much you’re behind on at work or why your kids are taking more than their fair share of the pumpkin pie.

9) “Where are you going to grad school?”

Just let us get through the first four years of our education first. The present is overwhelming enough without throwing the future into it as well.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again–college is stressful for students. A lot of us are hard-pressed to keep up, and the holidays might be one of the few times we can get away and forget about it all for a while. Being quizzed by well-meaning friends and family just brings it all back when we might need a break. We want to spend time with people we care about, and let ourselves recover from the stress of college life. So, let’s make this holiday season a little easier for everyone and just focus on the good stuff–the break from everyday life, friends and family, and amazing food.

~Becca

 

5 Things Having Internet Friends Taught Me

Ara Freeman is a 15-year-old high school freshman who loves reading, tv shows, and YouTube. I met her at church camp two years ago, and she has since made friends online via YouTube and Twitter. She asked me if she could share about the experience and what she’s learned from having friends that live miles away. This is what she has to say.  ~Becca

For a while now, I’ve had two incredible best friends who I met online. My friend Taba lives in London and my friend Aurora lives in Illinois. I met Taba for the first time when we started messaging online about YouTube, and I met Aurora when Taba introduced us. For us, it went from awkward Skype calls to planning hotel arrangements when we’ll meet for the first time in April! I’ve learned some things about having best friends that live far away:

1) The cultures are different.

Now, I’m not saying that I had no sense of culture before I met Taba. But just by knowing someone from a different country, I have learned so much about their way of life. Sure, you can watch videos and read about the British culture, but those don’t teach you the small things. When learning about different cultures in school or in a book, you learn about the bigger things, like what languages they speak and what food they eat. But when you have a friend who lives there, you learn the things that don’t even matter, like the way they say “pavement” instead of “sidewalk.” Since knowing Taba, I know so much more about the attitude differences and how people act. Every day when we speak, one of us will say something that will confuse the other, because we grew up in a different country, a different culture.  She talks about her fun British holidays, like Pancake Day, while I talk about my fun American holidays, like Thanksgiving. I could easily just go and search about the holidays online, but that would be just knowing about them as opposed to living it, in a way.

2) You don’t need physical presence to be best friends.

Every day at 3 o’clock, I rush to to get home to my computer and Skype Taba and Aurora. Sure, Skype is hard–sometimes my wifi doesn’t connect, or Taba needs to go bed because of the annoying time difference, but we make it work. People don’t always understand me having internet best friends because they’re not physically here with me, but who needs to go be able to do things like going shopping together when you can talk about anything for hours?  It’s harder to find someone who is exactly meant to be there for you when society puts such a cage around who people can be friends with. They have to be my age and know me in person. Well guess what? I know two of my best friends from the internet, and my best friend I know in person is 6 years older than me. They don’t have to be just like me.

3) It’s all on you.

At my age, I don’t have a lot of say in who I’m around all day. Sure, I have friends outside of school that I choose to be around, but I didn’t choose to meet them in the first place. In real life you don’t really get to choose who you meet. I met my childhood best friend from living in the same neighborhood, and I met my best friend Becca from church. Online friends are 100% up to me and them; there is no “I don’t feel like replying, but I’ll see them at school so it doesn’t matter.”

The friends you know in person most likely have similar interests, but not one common thing that you constantly obsess over like Taba, Aurora, and I. All three of us are on YouTube, and obsess over two vloggers named Dan and Phil. That’s actually how Taba and I talked for the first time; she followed me on Twitter and I messaged her trying to promote my YouTube channel. She replied advertising her own. Aurora and Taba had talked before, and I had already been following a huge Dan and Phil fan account that Aurora helps run. Small world, huh?

Basically, we’re fangirls, nerds, and complete weirdos.

4) Time differences don’t always suck.

Now, if she lived somewhere that was 12 hours ahead instead of six then it would suck, but for us it’s not as bad as it could be. The combination of the fact thats it’s only six hours and Taba’s terrible sleep schedule makes it easier for us to keep in touch. I have to admit when it’s seven pm for Aurora and I, but three in the morning for Taba, it can be hard. But it’s also exciting. It makes those three hours I get to spend with her on Skype more special, and every day I run home to make sure I use those three hours. It can also be exciting. For instance, there was one time when I woke up at 6 am on a Sunday to Skype Taba when she went to see Dan and Phil on tour. It was probably the most exciting thing that happened to me that weekend. We make it work even if it can be annoying, and it actually makes me want to learn more about the differences in other parts of the world.

5) It can be scary.

When you get a message on Twitter from your best friend that says “In the hospital, we’ll talk later,” it’s terrifying. Of course, she had just woken up from a concussion, so I’ll cut her some slack for scaring Aurora and I half to death. Since international texting and calling is so expensive, we don’t use our numbers when we need to text. Instead, we send messages on Twitter, and we Skype when we need to call. Anything could happen to my internet best friends and I wouldn’t know. Having friends who live 4,000 and 700 miles away from me is terrifying because a thousand thoughts go through my mind each day. What if London gets bombed? What if I never get to meet them? But I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

In conclusion, It’s different having two best friends who live across the country and across the world, but it’s amazing. It’s amazing to spend all day thinking about faces on a screen. It’s incredible to think that 30 years ago, it wasn’t even an option to have best friends that you’ve never met. Even today it’s still not the ideal choice for most people; I used to think it was the weirdest thing to date or be friends with someone you met online. It rewrites the stereotypical definition of love. Just because they’re not with me, just because I can’t drive to their house and hug them anytime I want, doesn’t mean they’re not my best friends.

~Ara

Check out Ara’s YouTube channel here for a new video every Thursday. You can also find Taba’s channel here and Aurora’s channel here.

 

7 Things I Would Tell My Past Self

Everyone goes through dark spots in their life. Everybody has a time that stands out in their memory, like a gray patch on a map, darker than all the rest. We might not think about it often, or we might think about it too much, like a sore spot in your mouth that you can’t stop probing with your tongue no matter how much it hurts. Those hard times teach us things about ourselves and the world around us, but that doesn’t mean we like them. That doesn’t mean we aren’t overjoyed and relieved when they end and the sun finally comes out again.

For me, the darkest point I can remember is when I was fourteen years old. I was in the early years of puberty, with its unexpected changes and riotous emotions. I was hanging on, keeping my balance like the other kids around me. Confused and stressed, but still on my feet…until a cocktail of crippling anxiety, depression, and mental imbalance hit me like a bomb going off.

I didn’t know what mental illness was. I had never heard of it before. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, only that my head was filled with thoughts that I didn’t want, that weren’t mine. I only knew that I was suddenly incapable of doing simple things like showering or finishing my homework. I spent nights in a cold sweat and days in a stupor of distraction, the war zone in my head drowning out almost all of the outside world. I thought I was going crazy.

Thankfully, I opened up to my mother about what was happening, and she and my father helped me find a counselor. I went every week without fail, desperate for the treatment that I needed to retain my sanity. I don’t remember the first time I heard the words “anxiety” or “Obsessive-compulsive disorder,” but I know I learned what they were and that they were the reasons for the hell I had been living in. I took medicine. I went to my appointments. Gradually, things got better. The panic attacks lessened, and I started sleeping through the night again. The sun started to come out.

The farther back in my past that time becomes, the more I learn about it. The details remain, clear and sharp as when it all first happened. But age has brought new revelations to light. I have realized over and over again how good God is, how visible His presence was through the storm. I have also realized how much it might have helped me if someone who knew what I was experiencing had been able to talk me through it. My parents were loving and patient and gave me everything they could, but they hadn’t been where I was. They couldn’t imagine how it felt.

There are so many times when I want to reach back through the past and wrap my arms around that scared girl huddled on her bed in the dark. If I could, this is what I’d tell her, or anyone who is struggling and needs to hear it:

1)  You will get through this. 

I promise you’ll survive this. I know it feels like the world is ending and this will overwhelm you. But it won’t. This will end. It will get better, take it from someone who’s been where you’ve been. The sun will come out.

2) You don’t really want to die. 

That’s not what you want. You want the pain to end, you want to have peace. Dying isn’t the way to get that. You will have better days, and you don’t need to miss out on the rest of your life to get there. Don’t give up; there are too many amazing things left for you to leave. It won’t always be like this.

3) It’s okay to need help.

It doesn’t make you a nuisance or a problem. On nights when it gets too bad or days when you need someone to help you stay on your feet, it’s okay to find someone you trust and let them know what you need. It’s a lot better than going without help. God gave you the people in your life for a reason. Find someone who reminds you of Him, and ask them for help when you need it.

4) Counselors and therapists know what they’re talking about.

Treatment only works if you cooperate. What they tell you may sound crazy, but give it a try. Even if it seems stupid or pointless, just try it. I didn’t want to listen to a word of what my therapists said, but the fact that I did is the reason I’m alive today. Do the breathing exercises, meditating, and mental exercises. It may surprise you how much they help.

5) God hasn’t left you.

The fact that this is happening doesn’t mean He doesn’t love you anymore, or that He’s given up on you. It means we live in a broken world full of imperfect people, and you’re one of them. You’re not weak, you’re just human. You’re not going through this alone. He’s always there in the darkness, fighting alongside you. Hang on to Him, because later on, you’ll realize He’s what got you through it.

6) Remember what you’re feeling.

Years from now, your life will be changed. You’ll be a different person in a different place, and what you’re going through now will be nothing but a memory. What you may not realize is, it could be one of the most valuable memories you have. Hang onto every detail you can, every second of the struggle you went through. Because that’s what will help you reach out to people you meet in the future, who will be struggling with the same things you are now. Good will come of this. You can be a light to others, able to reach hurting people like no one else can. I know it hurts. I’ve felt it. Remember this, because someday you’re going to meet a kid that reminds you of yourself six years ago, and want to help them.

7) You’re going to be proud of this.

You may not talk about what you’re experiencing with very many people. Ninety percent of the people in your life may come and go without ever once realizing what you’ve been through. But you’ll know what you’ve survived. You’ll know the nights you lived through, the times you decided you weren’t going to give up, the panic attacks you endured. You’ll know that you got through it. And that knowledge alone will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. You’re a fighter, and you’ve proved it. You’re not broken. You’re incredible.

~Becca