Waiting For The Sun

I make it a point to be honest on this blog. When something good happens, I write about it. When something bad happens, I write about that too. My posts are about whatever happens to be on my mind at the time. And usually, it works. It gives me a way to channel my thoughts and feelings, and other people hopefully find something they can relate to. My favorite response to my writing is when someone says they’ve felt the same way before.

But eventually I am always left with a dilemma. What happens when I am thinking about something too sad, too personal to share with the world? What happens when it’s not only my privacy at stake, but someone else’s as well? What do I write about then?

I found myself at this impasse after a recent breakup with my boyfriend, and since then I have encountered an enormous block whenever I tried to write. My world had been rocked, both I and someone I cared about were in pain. I was trying to process an enormous amount of difficult information. There was simply no room for anything but this breakup in my head; everything else got put on the back burner. In a lot of ways, I still feel like I’m struggling to keep my head above water. But I’m at least starting to feel like I have a fighting chance. The fact that I’m able to write about anything again is proof positive that things are starting to get better.

But what do I write about? That is what I’ve been wrestling with these last few days. I can’t write about any details, obviously. It’s too personal, too hurtful, too sensitive. Like prodding an open wound. I couldn’t write about the nights that it hit me like a freight train how many millions of ways my life is going to be different from now on. Too vulnerable to put in the open for the world to see and pass judgement on. I couldn’t write about where I want to go from here, because I don’t even know myself. So what does that leave?

It only leaves God. And the ways He has been moving in my life and others this week. And all the good He has done through this hard time.

At first I questioned how this could be for the best. People got hurt. How could that possibly be part of His plan? But then I started to see the silver linings showing through. The other night, I sat down and spent intimate time with God for the first time in far too long. I’ve opened up to people and forged the beginnings of friendships that might not have happened otherwise. God has spoken to me in ways that wouldn’t have been possible while I was in a relationship. I am able to focus on giving myself to Him with abandon, without the distraction of another person in my life. He’s taught me a lot about myself and the way I handle different situations. I am thrown into a growth spurt. My life has gone from stagnation to sudden, constant motion.

Maybe the biggest lesson I’m learning is that I can’t make things be better. I was hit hard by something my photojournalism professor said in class a few days ago:

“What do you do when there’s a cloud over the sun? You wait, and hope the sun comes back out.”

I don’t think he had any idea how his words affected me. This was during a lecture about lighting for photos; it wasn’t meant to be life-altering wisdom. But the words struck home all the same.

I realized that God never promised to spare us from hurting. Christians are not exempt from hardship or trial. The world is a painful place sometimes, and I can’t fix it. The sun is behind a cloud, and I’m called to wait on God and His timing. It will come out again, but only when He wants it to. Until then, He has things to teach me. I’m not called to chase down the sun, only learn from the clouds.

This isn’t the hardest thing I’ve been through, or that I will go through in the future. But it still hurts.  There are still times when everything feels lonely and confusing and all I can do is pray and tell God I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this. 

That’s when His voice comes back to me through the noise:

“You can’t do this. But I can do anything.”

He’ll carry me through this.

~Becca